When I was depressed, people said ‘your face makes me feel sad’
When I was opinionated, people said ‘don’t make me feel guilty/bad/inferior’
But I don’t own those emotions, they did. So my opinion is that they should fucking own that which doesn’t belong to me.
When I stood on the precipice and looked over the edge, I decided not to find out how far the drop went, but I could guess. With my sad face and mostly pointless opinions. Not worthless, but kind of pointless because I can see the other sides as well – the way they fit and make sense – and it really is a minor thing that lands you in one spot, over another.
So I retreated a bit. Became just as invisible as I believed I was. And it kind of stuck. I didn’t mind so much. I can almost get a notification on my phone without having an anxiety response now. Almost.
Sometimes it feels like a failure, other times it feels like a victory. Most of the time it feels like you have to have a really strong sense of who you think you are to fight the inertia of who people expect you to be or maybe it’s just your own muscle memory of who you were.
“That is a compass right?”, someone asked about the tattoo.
Yeah. It means if I’m moving I’m headed in the right direction.