I have been off anti depressants for three weeks. It was an accident. Don’t try this at home. I got to 4 days off them because I forgot, and then figured how bad could it be? Well detox hit and I could see just how bad it got. Because desperate need to sleep all the time, hot flushes, nausea and an equally desperate need to eat all the food. ALL OF IT. But it passed, as detoxes tend to do. And emotionally I was ok.
You adjust to life as it is and everything seems normal. And then it changes. And you realise it wasn’t normal. Life was in a very comforting sepia soft focus and then all of a sudden it was in brilliant, sharp high definition. All bright colours and sharp edges. AND FEELINGS. I don’t think I’d realised quite how much apathy that the anti depressants had fostered. Apathy which I needed at the time.
It’s like the first time you go from watching normal TV to High Definition and it burns your retina to look at it.
The world can be a hard, unforgiving place. And right now, it seems that way more than ever. I don’t shrug things off as easy as I did. And even though the hardness and the colours hurt, they are not without their own beauty. I take photos more often, my ideas have more clarity and I cry. Good cries and bad cries. Not the sobbing my heart out on the kitchen floor kind of desperation cries. But things impact me. I’m changed by things. And I care more. I think that’s a good thing.
I don’t think I could have gone off anti-depressants if I wasn’t running. The other day I was doing hill training with Riley in the trike and she asked me if the exercise she was doing was making her stronger.
I said yes, baby, you are getting stronger. And I thought to myself, so am I.