It’s been nearly three weeks since I went on a self-enforced alcohol ban and stopped smoking (again. Oh hello relapse!). The best present I could give myself is not smoking. Sure, I’ve had cravings and some days have been hard but what I’ve gotten out of it has been much more than that.
Motivation is a tricky thing. You could tell me that smoking was killing me a million times over and I don’t know, maybe because it’s not that relatable, or I still have that it-will-never-happen-to-me type attitude, well I just don’t care. I could also be killed by a truck tomorrow, so that kind of thinking is just never going to motivate me.
There were two things that motivated me. One, Riley was starting to ask a whole heap of pertinent questions about why I was smoking when it was bad for you and if it was a bad habit why didn’t I just stop. Fair point, kid. And two, it was coming in between me and my running.
Now that I’m over the whole OMG I WILL KILL YOU ALL stage of detox I can appreciate things like the fact that I can wake up and not feel tired. I have hours to myself every morning. Which lately, I’ve been mostly using to exercise.
5 days of running and 3 days of crossfit is not excessive. I think. At least it’s not excessive when you are quitting smoking. Need those endorphins. Nicotine is an extremely effective anti-depressant so I was aware that stopping smoking might have a bit of an affect on me in that department. And it has. Nothing major. But I’ve felt it at the edges. Felt the need to turn inward and create a different story for myself until the outside one calms down again. And it is.
The other morning I was lying in bed. Everything ached. I had to do a real shuffle to even get out of bed and get upright because crossfit is finding muscles I didn’t know existed and smashing them. I thought about not going for a run. I thought I could just lie in bed.
Then I remembered it’s my favourite part of the day. Outside, fresh air, early morning before anyone (except other walkers and runners) are around and my music. So why would I ever cancel on that?
I didn’t. This morning I even got out extra early on my rest day so that I could have a little run and the husband would still have time for his bike ride.
It’s my happy place. And when you find that, you stick to it like freaking glue.